Actor Kalki Koechlin recently opened up about her experience with open relationships, sharing that while she explored them in the past, she no longer feels capable of investing emotionally in such arrangements.
In an interview with Hauterrfly, when asked if monogamy was too much to expect in today’s world of endless options, she disagreed. “I don’t think so because monogamy is a choice. There is no point having options unless you choose something from the options. Just as polyamorous is a choice, it comes with its own set of very strict boundaries and rules, so is monogamy. You both or all parties agree to those rules and boundaries before you go into it.”
Koechlin was then asked if she could pull off a polyamorous relationship now. She replied, “Now that I am married and have a kid, I don’t think I got time for that sh*t, because you just don’t even have time to see your own partner,” she said with a laugh. “But I think that it has happened in the past, and again, I think you have to be very specific about your rules and boundaries.”
For some, open relationships appeal due to their potential for personal freedom, honesty, and the removal of traditional relationship boundaries. However, these dynamics can also create difficulties, including managing jealousy, ensuring clear communication, and maintaining emotional stability. So, what exactly draws people to open relationships, and what are the psychological effects of engaging in them?
Emotional and psychological factors that drive individuals to pursue open relationships
Sonal Khangarot, counsellor and psychotherapist at The Answer Room, explains, “There is no particular reason why people engage in polyamorous relationships but it can be a combination of a series of personal experiences, childhood exposure, and life learnings.” She defines an open relationship as “when one engages with more than one person romantically or sexually in a relationship.”
The appeal of open relationships can stem from various factors:
Autonomy and emotional independence: Being responsible for one’s own sexual and emotional desires, and feeling that they are not being fulfilled by a single partner, can lead to a desire for variety. It’s more of a personal choice.
Past relationship experiences: A series of failed relationships or marriages can create a sense that one partner cannot fulfill all aspects of life. One partner may be emotionally supportive but lack sexual compatibility, while another may be sexually compatible but emotionally unavailable.
Childhood experiences: A history of interpersonal abuse or childhood trauma can lead someone to feel that the only person they can truly rely on is themselves. They may want to engage with others but resist fully committing to one person. Growing up in a household with failed relationships or exposure to abuse and violence may also lead to the belief that monogamy isn’t for them.
Impact on emotional intimacy between partners
Khangarot explains that the impact can vary. “For some, the freedom of expression can help their relationship blossom, as they feel it is a space for expression, exploration, and the formation of a deep connection.”
For others, she says, it may not suit them, leading to emotional stagnation, persistent worry, and stress. They may feel isolated, unable to express themselves wholeheartedly due to the openness of the relationship, and fear their partner might leave them for someone else.
She adds, “For some, the desire for diversity can be temporary, while for others, it may be permanent. When these differences start to clash, it can hamper the essence of the relationship, making them feel alone within it.”
Who should avoid this dynamic?
Khangarot provides guidance on who might be suited for open relationships. “Open relationships can benefit those who have a strong sense of self, are expressive, have great communication skills, and possess the emotional maturity required for such a dynamic.”
However, she cautions, “As I said before, it’s a personal choice, so we can’t definitively decide who would benefit and who wouldn’t. It depends on the individual’s needs and how the relationship fulfills them. However, for someone who is insecure and lacks a connection with their own self, it could be tumultuous waters that they shouldn’t dive into.”.